my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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