broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
