my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
