I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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