my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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