He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
