so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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