I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Let's paint friendship bongs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
