Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
