This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
