I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
