I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize