Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no, he came in my armpit
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
