don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is Oprah even human
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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