if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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