the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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