My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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