I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
