rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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