im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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