Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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