I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
