I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
