Just fell off a train. Bad.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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