I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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