I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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