i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
