Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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