just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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