My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
