There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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