I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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