went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
