I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
