Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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