He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
