who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
