she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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