Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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