my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize