One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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