he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
