sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
