how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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