ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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