i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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