life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
