Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
