My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
