two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
