I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
