3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize