I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
