Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
