The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
